I have a secret.
It's a big, heavy, ugly secret.
It comes with a trigger warning. Please listen to your mind and body if you feel like you may have an adverse reaction to trauma, particularly sexual assault/rape.
***
The Story
October 25, 2019
It is a Friday night. My kids are with their dad for the weekend, so I'm settled into a hot bath and talking with friends on Snapchat. My boyfriend is at work, so I'm tentatively hoping to find someone to spend a little time with as I'm feeling pretty lonely. It's been about six months since I have spent time with friends. Being a single parent, especially one who has a boyfriend, can be isolating.
Around 10pm -
A friend who I have known on and off since high school is talking with me over Snapchat. Others are talking with me a little bit as well. I've known him for over ten years and it has always been a platonic friendship. I trust(ed) him enough and spent time with him about six months ago. We are talking about music, food, the random small talk things. He tells me he's all moved into his new house that he bought and that I should come over to see it and his sound system. He added that he knows I have a boyfriend and nothing physical would happen. I agreed to go over to his place.
7 minutes -
It's all it took for me to drive to his house. He lived seven minutes away. (I have since moved)
Around 11pm -
I park and call him as I'm not sure which house is his or where to park. He comes out of his house and waves to me from the front porch. I park on the driveway and walk to towards him. He gives me a side hug and we head inside.
Around midnight - October 26, 2019
We have talked for a while, listened to some music, and sat on opposite sides of his couch. I could tell he's been drinking, but I'm so unfamiliar with drinking and haven't been around it much, so I can't gauge how much he has had or how he's feeling, but he's been nice. He stretched out and put his legs by me. It doesn't really bother me as it's pretty typical. He's a friend and it's fine. He offered me a glass of wine. I told him how I don't really drink, at least not more than every few months because it hits me hard and I don't love it. We went upstairs to his kitchen and he showed me a couple bottles of wine. He tells me about a kind he has that's really nice and expensive. I watch him open it and he poured me a lot - I know that I won't be drinking that much - and I tell him. He says it's fine and that he will have some too.
Around 1am -
We are sitting on the couch discussing books and religion, while listening to music. My phone is on the floor charging. He offers me his drink that is sitting on the end table next to him. He turned away from me to pour more and handed me his cup. I traded him my class. I have only drank about half, maybe the amount of a half glass of wine or less. I took a big drink of his glass, maybe the amount of a shot or less, and realized it was straight vodka - definitely not what I'm into - especially as a very light drinker. He says he's going to go upstairs to go get something. I sat down his drink.
Minutes -
Within a few minutes, I felt dizzy like I was in a fog. My breathing felt shallow and slow. I felt like I couldn't keep my eyes open. I laid down on the couch. I realize my phone was on the other side on the floor. I'm thinking I should text someone to call me and say that they need me for something. I try to sit up but I'm thinking I'll just close my eyes for a minute.
He comes back down before I can get to my phone. Before he gets to the couch, I tell him I'm feeling sick and dizzy. He laughs and moves onto the couch. I roll on my side, facing away from him and close my eyes. I feel him lay down behind me...
Sometime later
He pulled me to standing and guided me down a hallway. I struggled to walk and hit into the walls. We made it to a bed. He lays down and I kneel at the foot of the bed and say something like, "I don't feel good at all. I feel so dizzy and sick. Is this normal? I think I should sleep," as tears rolled down my face. I stumbled over the words. He says, "Yes...no...yes..." while laughing. I start crying harder and lay down on the opposite side of the bed, trying to stay awake, but wanting to sleep so badly.
More happens...
I won't go into details anymore. But more physical things happened before and after this point. Around 3am or 4am, he tries to find his phone. He grabs mine from the family room and asks that I call his phone. I'm able to roll onto my stomach and look through my contacts for his name. I call him and find that his phone is on the other side of the bed. He says he needs to set an alarm, because his grandma is coming over at 7am in the morning.
***
After
There is only a before and after now.
This is the after.
I went home around 8am because his alarm didn't go off to wake us up. We woke up and he continued again. He said I should go because his grandma will be there soon. I found my clothes in the family room and found a bathroom to wash my hands. I grabbed my phone and keys and headed upstairs while he followed behind. I told him his house is nice while facing him. There was an awkward pause, so I turned and opened the front door myself and said bye. He stepped outside I think, and I walked to my car.
Another 7 minutes
I drove home and the reality of what happened hit me like a ton of bricks.
I started crying. I felt incredibly dirty, sweaty, oily, sticky, just gross. I thought of my kids, my boyfriend, and my family. I got home, went inside, threw my keys on the floor, and went straight to the tub. I turned it on hot, took off all my clothes and dropped them at my feet. I laid in the hot water and laid my head back to cover my hair. I closed my eyes and laid there, listening to the water fill the tub and my own empty thoughts. My chest felt tight and my arms and legs ached. I laid back and washed my hair. I sat up and reached for my phone. I had texts from my boyfriend asking what I was doing and saying goodnight. I called him and told him "something bad happened"... I sat in the tub hunched over and cried hysterically as I told him that I went over to a friends house and he wouldn't stop. He just wouldn't stop. I hadn't cried in months and probably hadn't cried that hard in years. "Are you sure that's what happened? Are you trying to tell me you cheated?" he said. I told him I didn't choose that and I didn't cheat. He asked why I would go over a single guys house and how that looks. He said that I should have gone to his work to see He told me that if I really didn't cheat, I should go to the ER and that he was going to come. I told him I wasn't sure what I was going to do. He told me I need to get out of the tub at least.
I felt so sore. And so sick.
I got out of the tub and laid on my bed with a towel wrapped on my hair. I got on Snapchat to tell a close friend what happened, along with a group of women who I have known for a few years. They all urged me to go in. I told them how I didn't say no! They all said, but you didn't say yes! They were right. I could barely formulate a thought, let alone formulate a sentence. A woman in the group is familiar with sexual assault as she does something with it for work. She said to go to the ER say I needed a "code R".
Apparently I fell asleep for about 6 hours. I woke up with my left arm and thighs feeling sore, as if I worked out. I laid in bed in the dark and checked the time. I reluctantly told my boyfriend and friends that I was heading to the hospital. I rolled out of bed and put underwear, a pair of leggings, t-shirt and a jacket. I combed through my hair that had tried into knots.
I parked in the ER parking lot, off to the side where nobody could see me. I sat their for twenty minutes as I texted my ex-husband, who is a police officer, asking if it's right to go to the ER for this sort of thing and if I will be forced to press charges. He replied saying how inappropriate it is to ask him. I also received a few long texts from his wife.
I grabbed my phone, keys, and wallet, and headed through the ER doors. I kept my gaze low while I tried to scan the room for any familiar faces. Living where I grew up can lead to some uncomfortable meetings. I walked over to the desk where I was greeted by a woman behind a desk. I said I needed a "code R". She said, "a what?" I repeated myself a little louder as the couple next to me also checking in looked over. "Code R... sexual assault?" She embarrassingly told me I could take a seat and someone would be with me shortly.
I waited amongst a few couples. I held back tears and kept my head low as I felt stares. I held back tears that snuck through sporadically. I turned and stared out the window in the darkness, seeing my reflection.
It was the Saturday night before my 28th birthday. I should be with friends or even my boyfriend, maybe going to dinner or something. I didn't know what I was about to endure.
I was called back just through the ER doors into a small room to the side. A man walked me in, where I felt oddly uncomfortable. He told me there are two ways to do this. I can be treated in the ER medically, including a exam, particularly if I felt like I was hurt anywhere. My other option was to only do the exam. I took the second option, as I didn't feel like I needed medical attention. He told me to go back out to the waiting room where the a police officer would walk me to my exam.
I took a seat for only a few more minutes. A police officer, who I assume is a security guard, called my name. I stood and walked to him. We walked past the doors to the main area of the hospital. He told me we would be meeting up with a special kind of nurse who is on call, so we might need to wait. We would be going up a couple of levels to private area of the hospital. I took the elevator up with him and he lead me to another waiting area. We made small talk for a while. He asked some simple things like if I would be expecting anyone, if I felt like I was in danger, etc.
A woman showed up dressed in a t-shirt and distressed jeans. I liked this. It felt comfortable to see someone not in uniform. She told me she was out with friends and apologized for her casual appearance. She told me another person who is a volunteer from the women's shelter would be arriving shortly. She lead me back to an exam room that was within an OB/GYN office, stirrups and all.
2 or 3 hours later... who even knows...
My entire body had been photographed. I had been swabbed on every surface of me that he touched. They found strange bruises around my knees, on my thighs, and internal abrasions. There was obvious evidence that someone had been near me. I was lead to a nearby bathroom for a pregnancy test and my blood was drawn to send a toxicology report. I had to take every medication for possible STDs. This included two kinds of oral antibiotics and shot in the butt.
I laughed and awkwardly talked to hold back crying. I told them about my kids, my life, I don't know what else. It's more of a blur than anything anymore. I couldn't cry. I felt numb inside and out, maybe from the massive cry fest I had earlier that day, maybe from the trauma.
I had to tell the entire account of that night/day twice. Once, recorded for the examiner while she also wrote it down, and again when a sheriff came to the room to ask for a brief account of what happened. The sheriff asked for the clothes I was wearing, but I realized I had left them wadded up on my bathroom floor, so she asked to pick them up another time.
I was asked if I wanted to press charges. I told them I didn't know, because it wasn't very black and white, right? It wasn't like I was attacked on a hiking trail or beat. I told them that I didn't understand what happened, because I had felt so disoriented and now felt like some nightmare more than a memory. They assured me that what I had experienced was actually a very common rape story.
It was rape.
Honestly, the experience at the hospital was as good as it could have possibly been. The support I was given was tremendous. I felt heard, cared for, and safe. More than I had felt in 24 hours. More than I was about to feel for probably months, little did I know.
Around 3am
I drove home to my apartment 5 minutes away. I had a belly full of applesauce, cheez-its, with a new blanket wadded up next to me. I parked in the parking lot and cried pretty hard. I texted my boyfriend and told him it was done. He called and said something about how it wouldn't have happened if I had just spent time with him instead and related it to him going to hang out with a single woman. I knew my relationship was over.
I assume I walked in to my apartment at some point and went to sleep.
I wadded up my comfiest black jogger sweats, long-sleeve gray crew neck t-shirt, and sports bra and shoved them in to a grocery bag. That's what I had worn. Some of my comfiest, cheapest, plainest clothes.
I guess the next day I picked up my kids from their dad. The following afternoon, the sheriff called saying she was here to pick up the clothes. I said I would be out in a sec. I turned on a tv show for my young children and went outside to the parking lot. I handed her my clothes.
October 28, 2019
It was my 28th birthday.
It's a big, heavy, ugly secret.
It comes with a trigger warning. Please listen to your mind and body if you feel like you may have an adverse reaction to trauma, particularly sexual assault/rape.
***
The Story
October 25, 2019
It is a Friday night. My kids are with their dad for the weekend, so I'm settled into a hot bath and talking with friends on Snapchat. My boyfriend is at work, so I'm tentatively hoping to find someone to spend a little time with as I'm feeling pretty lonely. It's been about six months since I have spent time with friends. Being a single parent, especially one who has a boyfriend, can be isolating.
Around 10pm -
A friend who I have known on and off since high school is talking with me over Snapchat. Others are talking with me a little bit as well. I've known him for over ten years and it has always been a platonic friendship. I trust(ed) him enough and spent time with him about six months ago. We are talking about music, food, the random small talk things. He tells me he's all moved into his new house that he bought and that I should come over to see it and his sound system. He added that he knows I have a boyfriend and nothing physical would happen. I agreed to go over to his place.
7 minutes -
It's all it took for me to drive to his house. He lived seven minutes away. (I have since moved)
Around 11pm -
I park and call him as I'm not sure which house is his or where to park. He comes out of his house and waves to me from the front porch. I park on the driveway and walk to towards him. He gives me a side hug and we head inside.
Around midnight - October 26, 2019
We have talked for a while, listened to some music, and sat on opposite sides of his couch. I could tell he's been drinking, but I'm so unfamiliar with drinking and haven't been around it much, so I can't gauge how much he has had or how he's feeling, but he's been nice. He stretched out and put his legs by me. It doesn't really bother me as it's pretty typical. He's a friend and it's fine. He offered me a glass of wine. I told him how I don't really drink, at least not more than every few months because it hits me hard and I don't love it. We went upstairs to his kitchen and he showed me a couple bottles of wine. He tells me about a kind he has that's really nice and expensive. I watch him open it and he poured me a lot - I know that I won't be drinking that much - and I tell him. He says it's fine and that he will have some too.
Around 1am -
We are sitting on the couch discussing books and religion, while listening to music. My phone is on the floor charging. He offers me his drink that is sitting on the end table next to him. He turned away from me to pour more and handed me his cup. I traded him my class. I have only drank about half, maybe the amount of a half glass of wine or less. I took a big drink of his glass, maybe the amount of a shot or less, and realized it was straight vodka - definitely not what I'm into - especially as a very light drinker. He says he's going to go upstairs to go get something. I sat down his drink.
Minutes -
Within a few minutes, I felt dizzy like I was in a fog. My breathing felt shallow and slow. I felt like I couldn't keep my eyes open. I laid down on the couch. I realize my phone was on the other side on the floor. I'm thinking I should text someone to call me and say that they need me for something. I try to sit up but I'm thinking I'll just close my eyes for a minute.
He comes back down before I can get to my phone. Before he gets to the couch, I tell him I'm feeling sick and dizzy. He laughs and moves onto the couch. I roll on my side, facing away from him and close my eyes. I feel him lay down behind me...
Sometime later
He pulled me to standing and guided me down a hallway. I struggled to walk and hit into the walls. We made it to a bed. He lays down and I kneel at the foot of the bed and say something like, "I don't feel good at all. I feel so dizzy and sick. Is this normal? I think I should sleep," as tears rolled down my face. I stumbled over the words. He says, "Yes...no...yes..." while laughing. I start crying harder and lay down on the opposite side of the bed, trying to stay awake, but wanting to sleep so badly.
More happens...
I won't go into details anymore. But more physical things happened before and after this point. Around 3am or 4am, he tries to find his phone. He grabs mine from the family room and asks that I call his phone. I'm able to roll onto my stomach and look through my contacts for his name. I call him and find that his phone is on the other side of the bed. He says he needs to set an alarm, because his grandma is coming over at 7am in the morning.
***
After
There is only a before and after now.
This is the after.
I went home around 8am because his alarm didn't go off to wake us up. We woke up and he continued again. He said I should go because his grandma will be there soon. I found my clothes in the family room and found a bathroom to wash my hands. I grabbed my phone and keys and headed upstairs while he followed behind. I told him his house is nice while facing him. There was an awkward pause, so I turned and opened the front door myself and said bye. He stepped outside I think, and I walked to my car.
Another 7 minutes
I drove home and the reality of what happened hit me like a ton of bricks.
I started crying. I felt incredibly dirty, sweaty, oily, sticky, just gross. I thought of my kids, my boyfriend, and my family. I got home, went inside, threw my keys on the floor, and went straight to the tub. I turned it on hot, took off all my clothes and dropped them at my feet. I laid in the hot water and laid my head back to cover my hair. I closed my eyes and laid there, listening to the water fill the tub and my own empty thoughts. My chest felt tight and my arms and legs ached. I laid back and washed my hair. I sat up and reached for my phone. I had texts from my boyfriend asking what I was doing and saying goodnight. I called him and told him "something bad happened"... I sat in the tub hunched over and cried hysterically as I told him that I went over to a friends house and he wouldn't stop. He just wouldn't stop. I hadn't cried in months and probably hadn't cried that hard in years. "Are you sure that's what happened? Are you trying to tell me you cheated?" he said. I told him I didn't choose that and I didn't cheat. He asked why I would go over a single guys house and how that looks. He said that I should have gone to his work to see He told me that if I really didn't cheat, I should go to the ER and that he was going to come. I told him I wasn't sure what I was going to do. He told me I need to get out of the tub at least.
I felt so sore. And so sick.
I got out of the tub and laid on my bed with a towel wrapped on my hair. I got on Snapchat to tell a close friend what happened, along with a group of women who I have known for a few years. They all urged me to go in. I told them how I didn't say no! They all said, but you didn't say yes! They were right. I could barely formulate a thought, let alone formulate a sentence. A woman in the group is familiar with sexual assault as she does something with it for work. She said to go to the ER say I needed a "code R".
Apparently I fell asleep for about 6 hours. I woke up with my left arm and thighs feeling sore, as if I worked out. I laid in bed in the dark and checked the time. I reluctantly told my boyfriend and friends that I was heading to the hospital. I rolled out of bed and put underwear, a pair of leggings, t-shirt and a jacket. I combed through my hair that had tried into knots.
I parked in the ER parking lot, off to the side where nobody could see me. I sat their for twenty minutes as I texted my ex-husband, who is a police officer, asking if it's right to go to the ER for this sort of thing and if I will be forced to press charges. He replied saying how inappropriate it is to ask him. I also received a few long texts from his wife.
I grabbed my phone, keys, and wallet, and headed through the ER doors. I kept my gaze low while I tried to scan the room for any familiar faces. Living where I grew up can lead to some uncomfortable meetings. I walked over to the desk where I was greeted by a woman behind a desk. I said I needed a "code R". She said, "a what?" I repeated myself a little louder as the couple next to me also checking in looked over. "Code R... sexual assault?" She embarrassingly told me I could take a seat and someone would be with me shortly.
I waited amongst a few couples. I held back tears and kept my head low as I felt stares. I held back tears that snuck through sporadically. I turned and stared out the window in the darkness, seeing my reflection.
It was the Saturday night before my 28th birthday. I should be with friends or even my boyfriend, maybe going to dinner or something. I didn't know what I was about to endure.
I was called back just through the ER doors into a small room to the side. A man walked me in, where I felt oddly uncomfortable. He told me there are two ways to do this. I can be treated in the ER medically, including a exam, particularly if I felt like I was hurt anywhere. My other option was to only do the exam. I took the second option, as I didn't feel like I needed medical attention. He told me to go back out to the waiting room where the a police officer would walk me to my exam.
I took a seat for only a few more minutes. A police officer, who I assume is a security guard, called my name. I stood and walked to him. We walked past the doors to the main area of the hospital. He told me we would be meeting up with a special kind of nurse who is on call, so we might need to wait. We would be going up a couple of levels to private area of the hospital. I took the elevator up with him and he lead me to another waiting area. We made small talk for a while. He asked some simple things like if I would be expecting anyone, if I felt like I was in danger, etc.
A woman showed up dressed in a t-shirt and distressed jeans. I liked this. It felt comfortable to see someone not in uniform. She told me she was out with friends and apologized for her casual appearance. She told me another person who is a volunteer from the women's shelter would be arriving shortly. She lead me back to an exam room that was within an OB/GYN office, stirrups and all.
2 or 3 hours later... who even knows...
My entire body had been photographed. I had been swabbed on every surface of me that he touched. They found strange bruises around my knees, on my thighs, and internal abrasions. There was obvious evidence that someone had been near me. I was lead to a nearby bathroom for a pregnancy test and my blood was drawn to send a toxicology report. I had to take every medication for possible STDs. This included two kinds of oral antibiotics and shot in the butt.
I laughed and awkwardly talked to hold back crying. I told them about my kids, my life, I don't know what else. It's more of a blur than anything anymore. I couldn't cry. I felt numb inside and out, maybe from the massive cry fest I had earlier that day, maybe from the trauma.
I had to tell the entire account of that night/day twice. Once, recorded for the examiner while she also wrote it down, and again when a sheriff came to the room to ask for a brief account of what happened. The sheriff asked for the clothes I was wearing, but I realized I had left them wadded up on my bathroom floor, so she asked to pick them up another time.
I was asked if I wanted to press charges. I told them I didn't know, because it wasn't very black and white, right? It wasn't like I was attacked on a hiking trail or beat. I told them that I didn't understand what happened, because I had felt so disoriented and now felt like some nightmare more than a memory. They assured me that what I had experienced was actually a very common rape story.
It was rape.
Honestly, the experience at the hospital was as good as it could have possibly been. The support I was given was tremendous. I felt heard, cared for, and safe. More than I had felt in 24 hours. More than I was about to feel for probably months, little did I know.
Around 3am
I drove home to my apartment 5 minutes away. I had a belly full of applesauce, cheez-its, with a new blanket wadded up next to me. I parked in the parking lot and cried pretty hard. I texted my boyfriend and told him it was done. He called and said something about how it wouldn't have happened if I had just spent time with him instead and related it to him going to hang out with a single woman. I knew my relationship was over.
I assume I walked in to my apartment at some point and went to sleep.
I wadded up my comfiest black jogger sweats, long-sleeve gray crew neck t-shirt, and sports bra and shoved them in to a grocery bag. That's what I had worn. Some of my comfiest, cheapest, plainest clothes.
I guess the next day I picked up my kids from their dad. The following afternoon, the sheriff called saying she was here to pick up the clothes. I said I would be out in a sec. I turned on a tv show for my young children and went outside to the parking lot. I handed her my clothes.
October 28, 2019
It was my 28th birthday.
