Sometime When Something Happened and Now I Have Secrets

I have a secret.


It's a big, heavy, ugly secret.


It comes with a trigger warning. Please listen to your mind and body if you feel like you may have an adverse reaction to trauma, particularly sexual assault/rape.

***

The Story

October 25, 2019


It is a Friday night. My kids are with their dad for the weekend, so I'm settled into a hot bath and talking with friends on Snapchat. My boyfriend is at work, so I'm tentatively hoping to find someone to spend a little time with as I'm feeling pretty lonely. It's been about six months since I have spent time with friends. Being a single parent, especially one who has a boyfriend, can be isolating.

Around 10pm -
A friend who I have known on and off since high school is talking with me over Snapchat. Others are talking with me a little bit as well. I've known him for over ten years and it has always been a platonic friendship. I trust(ed) him enough and spent time with him about six months ago. We are talking about music, food, the random small talk things. He tells me he's all moved into his new house that he bought and that I should come over to see it and his sound system. He added that he knows I have a boyfriend and nothing physical would happen. I agreed to go over to his place.

7 minutes -
It's all it took for me to drive to his house. He lived seven minutes away. (I have since moved)

Around 11pm -
I park and call him as I'm not sure which house is his or where to park. He comes out of his house and waves to me from the front porch. I park on the driveway and walk to towards him. He gives me a side hug and we head inside.

Around midnight - October 26, 2019
We have talked for a while, listened to some music, and sat on opposite sides of his couch. I could tell he's been drinking, but I'm so unfamiliar with drinking and haven't been around it much, so I can't gauge how much he has had or how he's feeling, but he's been nice. He stretched out and put his legs by me. It doesn't really bother me as it's pretty typical. He's a friend and it's fine. He offered me a glass of wine. I told him how I don't really drink, at least not more than every few months because it hits me hard and I don't love it. We went upstairs to his kitchen and he showed me a couple bottles of wine. He tells me about a kind he has that's really nice and expensive. I watch him open it and he poured me a lot - I know that I won't be drinking that much - and I tell him. He says it's fine and that he will have some too.

Around 1am -
We are sitting on the couch discussing books and religion, while listening to music. My phone is on the floor charging. He offers me his drink that is sitting on the end table next to him. He turned away from me to pour more and handed me his cup. I traded him my class. I have only drank about half, maybe the amount of a half glass of wine or less. I took a big drink of his glass, maybe the amount of a shot or less, and realized it was straight vodka - definitely not what I'm into - especially as a very light drinker. He says he's going to go upstairs to go get something. I sat down his drink.

Minutes -
Within a few minutes, I felt dizzy like I was in a fog. My breathing felt shallow and slow. I felt like I couldn't keep my eyes open. I laid down on the couch. I realize my phone was on the other side on the floor. I'm thinking I should text someone to call me and say that they need me for something. I try to sit up but I'm thinking I'll just close my eyes for a minute.

He comes back down before I can get to my phone. Before he gets to the couch, I tell him I'm feeling sick and dizzy. He laughs and moves onto the couch. I roll on my side, facing away from him and close my eyes. I feel him lay down behind me...

Sometime later
He pulled me to standing and guided me down a hallway. I struggled to walk and hit into the walls. We made it to a bed. He lays down and I kneel at the foot of the bed and say something like, "I don't feel good at all. I feel so dizzy and sick. Is this normal? I think I should sleep," as tears rolled down my face. I stumbled over the words. He says, "Yes...no...yes..." while laughing. I start crying harder and lay down on the opposite side of the bed, trying to stay awake, but wanting to sleep so badly.

More happens...

I won't go into details anymore. But more physical things happened before and after this point. Around 3am or 4am, he tries to find his phone. He grabs mine from the family room and asks that I call his phone. I'm able to roll onto my stomach and look through my contacts for his name. I call him and find that his phone is on the other side of the bed. He says he needs to set an alarm, because his grandma is coming over at 7am in the morning.

***

After

There is only a before and after now. 

This is the after.

I went home around 8am because his alarm didn't go off to wake us up. We woke up and he continued again. He said I should go because his grandma will be there soon. I found my clothes in the family room and found a bathroom to wash my hands. I grabbed my phone and keys and headed upstairs while he followed behind. I told him his house is nice while facing him. There was an awkward pause, so I turned and opened the front door myself and said bye. He stepped outside I think, and I walked to my car. 

Another 7 minutes 
I drove home and the reality of what happened hit me like a ton of bricks. 
I started crying. I felt incredibly dirty, sweaty, oily, sticky, just gross. I thought of my kids, my boyfriend, and my family. I got home, went inside, threw my keys on the floor, and went straight to the tub. I turned it on hot, took off all my clothes and dropped them at my feet. I laid in the hot water and laid my head back to cover my hair. I closed my eyes and laid there, listening to the water fill the tub and my own empty thoughts. My chest felt tight and my arms and legs ached. I laid back and washed my hair. I sat up and reached for my phone. I had texts from my boyfriend asking what I was doing and saying goodnight. I called him and told him "something bad happened"... I sat in the tub hunched over and cried hysterically as I told him that I went over to a friends house and he wouldn't stop. He just wouldn't stop. I hadn't cried in months and probably hadn't cried that hard in years.  "Are you sure that's what happened? Are you trying to tell me you cheated?" he said. I told him I didn't choose that and I didn't cheat. He asked why I would go over a single guys house and how that looks. He said that I should have gone to his work to see He told me that if I really didn't cheat, I should go to the ER and that he was going to come. I told him I wasn't sure what I was going to do. He told me I need to get out of the tub at least.

I felt so sore. And so sick. 

I got out of the tub and laid on my bed with a towel wrapped on my hair. I got on Snapchat to tell a close friend what happened, along with a group of women who I have known for a few years. They all urged me to go in. I told them how I didn't say no! They all said, but you didn't say yes! They were right. I could barely formulate a thought, let alone formulate a sentence. A woman in the group is familiar with sexual assault as she does something with it for work. She said to go to the ER say I needed a "code R". 

Apparently I fell asleep for about 6 hours. I woke up with my left arm and thighs feeling sore, as if I worked out. I laid in bed in the dark and checked the time. I reluctantly told my boyfriend and friends that I was heading to the hospital. I rolled out of bed and put underwear, a pair of leggings, t-shirt and a jacket. I combed through my hair that had tried into knots. 

I parked in the ER parking lot, off to the side where nobody could see me. I sat their for twenty minutes as I texted my ex-husband, who is a police officer, asking if it's right to go to the ER for this sort of thing and if I will be forced to press charges. He replied saying how inappropriate it is to ask him. I also received a few long texts from his wife. 

I grabbed my phone, keys, and wallet, and headed through the ER doors. I kept my gaze low while I tried to scan the room for any familiar faces. Living where I grew up can lead to some uncomfortable meetings. I walked over to the desk where I was greeted by a woman behind a desk. I said I needed a "code R". She said, "a what?" I repeated myself a little louder as the couple next to me also checking in looked over. "Code R... sexual assault?" She embarrassingly told me I could take a seat and someone would be with me shortly. 

I waited amongst a few couples. I held back tears and kept my head low as I felt stares. I held back tears that snuck through sporadically. I turned and stared out the window in the darkness, seeing my reflection. 

It was the Saturday night before my 28th birthday. I should be with friends or even my boyfriend, maybe going to dinner or something. I didn't know what I was about to endure. 

I was called back just through the ER doors into a small room to the side. A man walked me in, where I felt oddly uncomfortable. He told me there are two ways to do this. I can be treated in the ER medically, including a exam, particularly if I felt like I was hurt anywhere. My other option was to only do the exam. I took the second option, as I didn't feel like I needed medical attention. He told me to go back out to the waiting room where the a police officer would walk me to my exam. 

I took a seat for only a few more minutes. A police officer, who I assume is a security guard, called my name. I stood and walked to him. We walked past the doors to the main area of the hospital. He told me we would be meeting up with a special kind of nurse who is on call, so we might need to wait. We would be going up a couple of levels to private area of the hospital. I took the elevator up with him and he lead me to another waiting area. We made small talk for a while. He asked some simple things like if I would be expecting anyone, if I felt like I was in danger, etc. 

A woman showed up dressed in a t-shirt and distressed jeans. I liked this. It felt comfortable to see someone not in uniform. She told me she was out with friends and apologized for her casual appearance. She told me another person who is a volunteer from the women's shelter would be arriving shortly. She lead me back to an exam room that was within an OB/GYN office, stirrups and all. 

2 or 3 hours later... who even knows...

My entire body had been photographed. I had been swabbed on every surface of me that he touched. They found strange bruises around my knees, on my thighs, and internal abrasions. There was obvious evidence that someone had been near me. I was lead to a nearby bathroom for a pregnancy test and my blood was drawn to send a toxicology report. I had to take every medication for possible STDs. This included two kinds of oral antibiotics and shot in the butt. 

I laughed and awkwardly talked to hold back crying. I told them about my kids, my life, I don't know what else. It's more of a blur than anything anymore. I couldn't cry. I felt numb inside and out, maybe from the massive cry fest I had earlier that day, maybe from the trauma.

I had to tell the entire account of that night/day twice. Once, recorded for the examiner while she also wrote it down, and again when a sheriff came to the room to ask for a brief account of what happened. The sheriff asked for the clothes I was wearing, but I realized I had left them wadded up on my bathroom floor, so she asked to pick them up another time. 

I was asked if I wanted to press charges. I told them I didn't know, because it wasn't very black and white, right? It wasn't like I was attacked on a hiking trail or beat. I told them that I didn't understand what happened, because I had felt so disoriented and now felt like some nightmare more than a memory. They assured me that what I had experienced was actually a very common rape story.

It was rape. 

Honestly, the experience at the hospital was as good as it could have possibly been. The support I was given was tremendous. I felt heard, cared for, and safe. More than I had felt in 24 hours. More than I was about to feel for probably months, little did I know. 

Around 3am
 
I drove home to my apartment 5 minutes away. I had a belly full of applesauce, cheez-its, with a new blanket wadded up next to me. I parked in the parking lot and cried pretty hard. I texted my boyfriend and told him it was done. He called and said something about how it wouldn't have happened if I had just spent time with him instead and related it to him going to hang out with a single woman. I knew my relationship was over.

I assume I walked in to my apartment at some point and went to sleep.



I wadded up my comfiest black jogger sweats, long-sleeve gray crew neck t-shirt, and sports bra and shoved them in to a grocery bag. That's what I had worn. Some of my comfiest, cheapest, plainest clothes.


I guess the next day I picked up my kids from their dad. The following afternoon, the sheriff called saying she was here to pick up the clothes. I said I would be out in a sec. I turned on a tv show for my young children and went outside to the parking lot. I handed her my clothes.

October 28, 2019
It was my 28th birthday.

Sour Cream Banana Bread (with Banana Muffins option)

Hey all!  I still exist.  Life has taken a few turns and I'm rerouting myself back to some self improvement.  For one, I'm currently 7 months pregnant and constantly hungry... and I crave everything.  I'm a firm believer that it's perfectly okay and healthy to have a yummy treat, in moderation, of course.

Do you have a food that instantly reminds you of some warm, happy place?  Is there a food that even just the smell of it relaxes you?  What do your "comfort foods" remind you of?  For me, banana bread is one of those major comfort foods.  My mom made banana bread all the time while I was growing up!  It can be majorly screwed up though!  Nobody wants to bite into some fresh, warm banana bread to find dry, flavorless bread...

For the best banana bread you need:

1. Good balanced recipe that includes enough bananas! Less bananas = less banana flavor
2. Overripe bananas... essential!  You want them to be speckled and browning.
3. Short cook time: not under-cooked (nobody wants food poisoning), but cooked until just done.
4. "Special" ingredients to make your banana bread stand out from all the rest... like sour cream!

Let's get to it!

Sour Cream Banana Bread 

(with Banana Muffins options)

Time Cook: 1 hour 

Yield: 1 loaf or about 12 regular muffins

Ingredients:  1/2 cup butter

                     1 cup sugar

                     2 eggs

                     1 teaspoon vanilla

                     1 1/2 cups flour

                     1 teaspoon baking soda

                     1/2 teaspoon salt

                     3 overripe bananas, mashed

                     1/2 chopped nuts (I omit the nuts, but this is entirely personal preference)

                     1/2 cup sour cream

1. Preheat oven to 350F
2. Cream butter and sugar for 2 minutes
3. Add eggs and vanilla, beating until well blended
4. Add flour, baking soda, and salt to mixture, blend until just combined
5. Add mashed bananas, nuts, and sour cream
6. Mix well until just comfined
7. Pour into greased large loaf pan or greased muffin tin, about 3/4 full
8. Bake at 350F for 1 hour for loaf pan or  350F for about 12-18 minutes for muffins - Check  halfway through cooking as cooking times vary based on oven and pan material  

Hint!  Darker pans make foods cook quicker!

DO NOT OVERCOOK! This is done cooking when a toothpick inserted in the center, pulls out with some crumbs, but not gooey. 

                      You know what's really cook about quick breads (baked goods that don't require yeast)?!  They can be very forgiving and it's also fun to experiment with different ingredients!  To this recipe, you can try substituting ingredients to make it healthier, such as low-fat sour cream, Stevia, unsweetened applesauce, or different varieties of flours.  Want to stick to what you know and love?  Chocolate chips mixed into the batter or a cinnamon sugar topping would be divine!

What's your go-to comfort food?  What variations have you tried with this recipe?

Let me know in the comments!

Side Effects

It's been a while! A few new things have been going on in my life. First off, I've been using a new medication called Enbrel. I've given myself an injection weekly for a month now. I don't see any improvement in my pain or stiffness, but somehow I feel more "normal".

There are a few hazards of taking " biologics" or "anti-TNF" medications. I was aware of them and have dealt with side effects of medications before. No big deal. Stick me with needles. Whatever it takes to not hurt! Well, these meds are a whole different category of scary compared to the usual prescriptions for things like depression or high blood pressure. A lot of people are allergic and have to stop them immediately. They've been found to cause a higher rate of lymphoma in rheumatoid arthritis patients. Of course there are about a bajillion other things that can happen...

...like this:

Pretty, right? This is my left thigh two days following my 4th injection. I always inject on Wednesdays, so Thursdays and Fridays I always get some sort of funky reaction on my thigh. It's gotten worse each time. It's a lot bigger than a quarter and it feels hot. Other than that, it's not a big deal and it's supposedly normal. I also get a migraine, extreme fatigue, and nausea for 2-3 days after each shot. It should get better, but we'll see. 

These medications are a pain because some people don't even respond to them. For some people it takes up to three months for them to start working. They don't usually lessen pain and stiffness by 100%, sometimes it's barely noticeable. I'll take what I can get for now...

I'm impatient. 

Medically Spent

With sickness comes expenses.
Amoxicylen $8
Ibuprofen $4
Celebrex $45
Enbrel $3,100
...monthly.

It's sickening. When I get a new prescription, my stomach is sunken in and I feel nauseous. I drive to the pharmacy with speculation and worry. I don't know how much more I can spend or if I will afford a medication at all. Each time a prescription is called in, the pharmacy gives me a call asking if I'm sure I want it filled because it's expensive. What choice do I have?

Luckily, I've done my research. I've found plans for each prescription my has that help cover part of my monthly cost. They save us around $3,000 per month. I'm not even kidding.

It's no wonder people go bankrupt from medical expenses. It's a sad, sick world we live in. 

Kicking ASs

My past 12 months have been a whirlwind of mommyhood, wifehood, and experimenting with treatments. I started breastfeeding prior to my diagnosis, so I have been limited on the medications that are considered to be "acceptable". I use this term because that's all that ibuprofen and Celebrex are, acceptable. Let's just say there aren't many breastfeeding moms volunteering for drug trials. So who the hell knows how safe something really is?

Admist the chaos of my medical bullllll... my favorite little girl was struggling with sleep. It wasn't typical... Fast forward through many doctors visits for the both of us, plus sleep studies for her and then we came to the diagnosis of moderate obstructive sleep apnea and severe central sleep apnea. The new diagnoses were hers.

Fast forward to a month ago when it all got much worse. We became desperate. We were zombies surviving off of brief naps, caffeine, and baby giggles. I came up with this theory that my high daily doses of NSAIDS may be causing or worsening her condition. There is speculation that nsaids can cause respiratory problems for babies. Yes, she wasn't taking them, but I was. I was taking 800 MG of ibuprofen as often as medically possible. That stopped working, so I began taking the max dose of Celebrex twice daily. What was I supposed to do? My tiny child wakes up sobbing all. night. long. She needs comfort beyond what I know how to give. We've tried everything to wean her.

Unmedicated ankylosing spondylitis is a real b!tch. It's what is best for my daughter right now as I'm currently working on weaning her and trying to get her condition stable. The pain is temporary. I can deal with the agony.

Right now, I'm laying in bed. It's almost 1 AM and I will hopefully be going to bed as soon as I am able to sneak oxygen onto the face of my sleeping daughter for the second time tonight. My lumbar spine is swollen. It feels lumpy and bruised. This is my new reality. I'm making it work by staying as active as possible, taking hot baths daily, and avoiding any strain to my spine.

Two days ago was my first time taking a biologic medication called Enbrel. It's an injection that I'll be giving myself weekly. It will alter the wway my body attacks itself, hopefully lessening the damage being done or at least lessening pain. I need my quality of life back.  

DIY Simple Heating Pad

Moist heat works wonders on sore joints or muscles. You can buy electric heating pads, but they will cost you around $30-$70+. They're also fire hazards and can break.

Here's an inexpensive alternative to a regular heating pad.

Option #1: No Sew
What you need:
Tube sock
Long grain rice or feed corn

Fill sock about 1/3 of the way full with your preferred filler. Leave enough empty space for filler to be able to move around and sock can conform to your body. Tie off sock.

To use: place filled sock in the microwave for 1-2 minutes or until heating pad has reached desired warmth.

Option #2: Simple Sew
What you need:
Kitchen hand towel
Needle and thread, or sewing machine and thread
Long grain rice or feed corn

Fold towel in half so the pretty sides are facing each other. Sew along openings, leaving about a 4 inch opening. Fill towel through opening with preferred filling, about 1/3 full. Finish by sewing hole shut.

To use: place heating pad in the microwave for 1-3 minutes, or until it reaches the warmth you prefer. Don't overheat. Flip as needed during warming to ensure even warmth.

Additional options:
Hand towels can be cut in half and then sewn into two smaller heating pads.
Filling can be mixed with a few drops of essential oils.
Repurposed worn out towels and socks to spare using new ones.


I hope you all stay warm this coming fall! Be sure to keep a few heating pads on hand to keep your body from tightening up, which increases your pain level. I love to heat up a heating pad and stick it at the foot of my bed to keep my feet warm while I sleep. I also keep a large hand towel heating pad for my lower back. Sock heating pads are perfect for the neck!

Please leave a comment if you have any questions. 

Expert Level Yoga

It sounds simple enough. We've all seen pictures online of a toned mom in a sports bra and booty shorts doing pushups and downward dogs with her baby. It's picture perfect, and in my case, too good to be true.

My husband has a whacky work schedule. Most nights it's just my little cutie and I doing our thing. We make it work. Well, working out is important to me, so it's getting done one way or another. Let's keep in mind that my "baby" is 18 months old. She runs around, makes messes, and climbs on everything.

Here's how it goes every time. I grab my yoga mat. She gets all giddy and helps me roll it out in the living room. I turn on a yoga video on YouTube. Then we begin...

Can you imagine having a 22-pound child on your belly while doing bridges, crunches, and a bunch of things I've never heard of? I call it "Expert Level Yoga." Her climbing on me adds much more resistance! It really does help me get a better workout at least.

Then there's the playing. She found a little car to drive on me while I did stretches. Downward dog makes the greatest tunnel ever for hiding. Then, upon doing some twisting stretches, I was greatest by a kiss turned into a bite on the face. She got in trouble, so she started to give me kisses, each ended with a puppy lick.

Ah! I must admit, I wouldn't change it for the world. She's freaking hilarious!